CityHangover Guestblog, Vol III
As promised, D'Brickashawn delivers the 3rd installment in the CityHangover Guestblog series. I've known dude since his first days at The U, where he alleges he single-handledly bankrolled my 2000-2001 late night pizza habit. And this whole time, I thought he was simply repaying me for being the best R.A. ever. (By the way, read that wiki on the term Resident Advisor. Evidently I was a "goody-goody" and a "killjoy"? What happened?)
Rules of Engagement
The following are a set of rules or guidelines for a group of ugly Americans (i.e. CJB, The Jesus, Bangin’ and I) to raise hell, insult multiple cultures, and bring a once great empire to its knees. I suggest that you read my fellow companions’ blogs first to help gain a better understanding.
1.) Brush up on Chappelle Show quotes, as they will come in handy when insulting the many birds you will encounter in the discos and pubs.
2.) Tipping is frowned upon. This is understandable due to the fact that I had to sell my left kidney to some limey for a pint of Carlsberg.
3.) Having the most horrible haircut will actually get you laid, at least at the dog tracks. This dude, had an incredibly smokin’ bird accompanying him. I mean on a scale of PBR to Heineken she was an ice-cold Bud light. That’s impressive in my books.
4.) When hot Indian bitches shut you down at a club reminiscent of a scene out of Bad Boys, make sure the Jesus is there with the following Rick James quote, “You’re cold as icccceee,” and then proceed to sing, “Coooold blooded.” I have never seen a more perplexed look on a girl’s face. Wait, yes I have. The Jesus drunk and frustrated at not receiving any attention from girls at Inferno’s, invented a sort of Thunderclap/Indian dancing move to try and seduce girls from 30 feet away. It was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen; yet I could not look away.
5.) Ethanol may account for 50-60% of total energy intake in alcoholics. It is thus possible that ethanol consumption displaces many normal nutrients, resulting in malnutrition and subsequent organ damage and predisposition towards cancer. That’s science. And these f’ing Brits wanted to do a pub-crawl on an empty stomach. So feed yourself prior to the pub-crawl and then watch the Brit die a slow death.
6.) A ‘strawpedo’ is chugging a Smirnoff Ice with a straw in it, which allows you to ingest the entire thing in approximately 3 seconds. Yes, this sounds like a girly drink, but say that after downing two in less than 30 seconds.
7.) You are allowed to sleep in pubs, clubs, buses, and bus stations. Just ask cjb, because he managed to sleep in all the aforementioned places in just one weekend. Just make sure you don’t miss your stop otherwise you will be coming home when the sun comes up.
8.) While visiting monuments and the British museum… well there are no rules. We witnessed British rug rats desecrating a WWII monument despite their parents standing right there reading the “keep off” signs posted everywhere. Even though it was commemorating the Canadians, it still deserves respect. In addition, the Jesus has taken pictures of little British girls (sounds pedophile-like but I assure you he is not) climbing over Egyptian sculptures that were dated 5,000 years old. The kicker is that their parents were helping them on the statues!
9.) If you ever have the opportunity to attend a birthday party of one of cjb’s co-workers, do it. Especially if she is over 30. And when she begins to start bawling over the fact that she thinks her friends are forming rival gangs, do not console her. Instead, do as I did and mock her by singing “It’s My Party” by Lesley Gore. That may sound callous, but at least I didn’t spend the night with her and steal her cell phone and not say goodbye in the morning. Ahem, Jesus.
10.) When Bangin’ needs to get some bread he’s got the keys to the bakery. That’s a fact. If you are ever spittin’ game to a bird like my boy Straightbangin’, tell CJB to refrain from giving benign looks and/or thumbs-up signs to you or the girl. This directly resulted in the girl saying to Bangin’, “Is this a bet?” It was ghastly to watch Bangin’ feverishly scramble to try and salvage the situation.
11.) If you are a heterosexual male with curly hair, make sure to straighten your locks otherwise you will attract lots of gay men. Normally this is complimentary since all the gay men that I know are very particular, however, when the gay waiter asks if he can personally show you where the ‘toilet’ is, it’s not so flattering.
12.) The last rule. CJB, though inappropriate at times, is an amazing host. He willingly sacrificed his reputation socially and professionally to make sure we had a ridiculous time. And that we did.
Rules of Engagement
The following are a set of rules or guidelines for a group of ugly Americans (i.e. CJB, The Jesus, Bangin’ and I) to raise hell, insult multiple cultures, and bring a once great empire to its knees. I suggest that you read my fellow companions’ blogs first to help gain a better understanding.
1.) Brush up on Chappelle Show quotes, as they will come in handy when insulting the many birds you will encounter in the discos and pubs.
2.) Tipping is frowned upon. This is understandable due to the fact that I had to sell my left kidney to some limey for a pint of Carlsberg.
3.) Having the most horrible haircut will actually get you laid, at least at the dog tracks. This dude, had an incredibly smokin’ bird accompanying him. I mean on a scale of PBR to Heineken she was an ice-cold Bud light. That’s impressive in my books.
4.) When hot Indian bitches shut you down at a club reminiscent of a scene out of Bad Boys, make sure the Jesus is there with the following Rick James quote, “You’re cold as icccceee,” and then proceed to sing, “Coooold blooded.” I have never seen a more perplexed look on a girl’s face. Wait, yes I have. The Jesus drunk and frustrated at not receiving any attention from girls at Inferno’s, invented a sort of Thunderclap/Indian dancing move to try and seduce girls from 30 feet away. It was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen; yet I could not look away.
5.) Ethanol may account for 50-60% of total energy intake in alcoholics. It is thus possible that ethanol consumption displaces many normal nutrients, resulting in malnutrition and subsequent organ damage and predisposition towards cancer. That’s science. And these f’ing Brits wanted to do a pub-crawl on an empty stomach. So feed yourself prior to the pub-crawl and then watch the Brit die a slow death.
6.) A ‘strawpedo’ is chugging a Smirnoff Ice with a straw in it, which allows you to ingest the entire thing in approximately 3 seconds. Yes, this sounds like a girly drink, but say that after downing two in less than 30 seconds.
7.) You are allowed to sleep in pubs, clubs, buses, and bus stations. Just ask cjb, because he managed to sleep in all the aforementioned places in just one weekend. Just make sure you don’t miss your stop otherwise you will be coming home when the sun comes up.
8.) While visiting monuments and the British museum… well there are no rules. We witnessed British rug rats desecrating a WWII monument despite their parents standing right there reading the “keep off” signs posted everywhere. Even though it was commemorating the Canadians, it still deserves respect. In addition, the Jesus has taken pictures of little British girls (sounds pedophile-like but I assure you he is not) climbing over Egyptian sculptures that were dated 5,000 years old. The kicker is that their parents were helping them on the statues!
9.) If you ever have the opportunity to attend a birthday party of one of cjb’s co-workers, do it. Especially if she is over 30. And when she begins to start bawling over the fact that she thinks her friends are forming rival gangs, do not console her. Instead, do as I did and mock her by singing “It’s My Party” by Lesley Gore. That may sound callous, but at least I didn’t spend the night with her and steal her cell phone and not say goodbye in the morning. Ahem, Jesus.
10.) When Bangin’ needs to get some bread he’s got the keys to the bakery. That’s a fact. If you are ever spittin’ game to a bird like my boy Straightbangin’, tell CJB to refrain from giving benign looks and/or thumbs-up signs to you or the girl. This directly resulted in the girl saying to Bangin’, “Is this a bet?” It was ghastly to watch Bangin’ feverishly scramble to try and salvage the situation.
11.) If you are a heterosexual male with curly hair, make sure to straighten your locks otherwise you will attract lots of gay men. Normally this is complimentary since all the gay men that I know are very particular, however, when the gay waiter asks if he can personally show you where the ‘toilet’ is, it’s not so flattering.
12.) The last rule. CJB, though inappropriate at times, is an amazing host. He willingly sacrificed his reputation socially and professionally to make sure we had a ridiculous time. And that we did.
posted by cjb at 9:58 PM
24 Comments:
What scene are you referring to in Bad Boys?
I didn't steal her phone, I borrowed it.
When they go to the Hell club and then steal the van full of either.
Let's not kid ourselves, you had no intention of returning that mobile.
either? you mean ether?
i like this d'brickashawn name. nice recap, d'brickashawn.
I think Number 10 pretty much sums up Curt interacting with someone you may be attracted to.
Also Curt, Jashan and I both bankrolled your Pizza AND Laundry that year...and you still referred to us as residents
Dude, after reading the blog, I am starting to feel a little sad that I won't be able to make a visit (stupid PTO policies). Sounds like you're having too much fun. It's alright, though, I'm sure if I came I'd get a "Just go to bed!" anyways. Maybe I can make a NY appearance when you're back; I won't need any interventions this time.
I think I still have Dave-O's number in my cell phone. That's how we roll.
what ever happened to using people's actual names?
Brattani totally needs to join the labor day festivities. maybe we can finally make the Brattani and D'BrickaShawn connection work. I think with the power of alcohol it is inevitable.
Regular names, "Anonymous"? Show yourself! Using regular names could result in our work-related stalkers finding us out. Or something. Plus, isn't D'Brickashawn more interesting?
Speaking of Dishan - Kabir, I have no recollection of you guys ever paying for my pizza OR laundy. I think you're just hating. Just like you hate Catholics.
We should bring Dave-O to the Labor Day festivities, beat him in flip cup, and then have Kiren lead him to a dumpster!
Enough from me.
what? no comment on Brattany-D'BrickaShawn?
Even better, I lead Dave-O to the highway.
I'm liking all this Dave-O hating. Nice work, kids. Maybe our cab driver back from 46 Grand on my last visit still has Dave-O's number. We could have him help with all of this plotting. I think he liked Sharon too.
I hope Dave-O is the same one I know, Do you think he could make like Kramer and fight his way out of a rolled up carpet and disposed of in the Hudson?? Whoop, there he is too close to the edge on the Empire State building! We can only imagine how it will all end! Just kidding. Brat misses you CJ and would love to go to NY for some R&R.
Sharon and that cab driver have unfinished business.
CJB. You used my MCard to laundry and slid it under my door like I was some sort of stop n' shop. Then you said you'd buy the pizza the next time to make up for the laundry. Yet you conveniently never had any cash when you suggested that we have pizza. And when you finally did make a payment, you threw a fist full of bills into my room while I was entertaining a lady friend.
Wasn't there a comment to go with that fist full of dollars? Like, "Here's your effing money!"
yeah and didn't you eat his fries?!!
Yes, cjb did in fact say, "here's your effing money!" And Kimmy, it was my fries that he ate. He drove to McDonald's and asked if I wanted something, and I requested a large fries. Apparently, they forgot to put my fries in the bag. So as a gesture of kindness, CJB initially offered his fries to me since I didn't get anything. Then he immediately retracted his offer stating that, "I'm too hungry." And yes, CJB kept my money too.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
One more thing. The "truthfulness" of any story should be drawn into question when Dishan recollects "entertaining a lady friend". Seriously, though. What? Lies!
Ah, Curtis... we miss you in nyc! Come visit soon!
On another note, because I wasn't there, I can't verify Jashan's story of abuse and extortion. But I would, however, like to add to the heresay. I'm not sure if this paints a better (or worse?) picture, but I remember hearing from somewhere that Kabir and Jashan eventually retaliated by hurling full-cans of soda at you....
whoop whoop!
whatever, joey! didn't you just admit to me last weekend that you appropriated the "whoop whoop"? it's YOUR term now, so your taunting means nothing to me! haha. and don't think for one second that I'll share any more of my "words" with you...
Are you mental?
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