Superpower Deathmatch: A Football Comparison

My workplace ingratiation scheme finally panned out last week, and I found myself in the company box (please, go ahead and snicker. I did.) for Chelsea's Premiership opener against Manchester City this past Sunday. Chelsea, from what I gather, is England's version of the Yankees - largely successful with a bloated payroll to match, and widely hated by non-fans nationwide. They won easily, 3-0.

I enjoy soccer now and then, and had a great time at the match. But on the eve of college football season, all of this Chelsea madness got me thinking: could my struggling Michigan Wolverines take Chelsea FC in a superpower deathmatch?

I can imagine you've wondered the same thing, so I ran the numbers. Here, my friends, is my final side-by-side assessment, split into key categories:

	Michigan Wolverines	Chelsea FC	Edge
Tradition	NCAA leader in all time wins (849) and winning percentage (.745) since teaching Notre Dame how to play the game in 1887. 11 National Titles and countless (figuratively, at least) Big Ten Championships	101 years of tradition, but little hardware to show for it - 3 Premiership and 3 FA Cup titles	Wolverines
Coach	LLLLLoyd Carr. Hailed as a strong recruiter and football purist, criticized as an old timer single handedly jeopardizing Michigan's football legacy. Lacks a confidence and swagger required to win championships, or even rivalry games. Hell, or night games, for that matter. One championship, albeit 9 years ago. Sometimes acts like a prick.	Jose Mourinho. Credited with Chelsea's recent rise to national supremacy, criticized as arrogant and overly confident. Two straight Premiership championships. Threw his 2005 championship medal into the stands to reward fans (or, well, a fan) for their support. When given a 2nd medal, threw that one to the crowd, too. Portuguese (but no mullet). Charismatic personality has resulted in a number of high profile endorsement deals. Also sometimes acts like a prick.	Chelsea
Stadium	The Big House. At 107,000+, the largest football stadium in the world. Gathering place of generations of diehard Michigan fans each Saturday. Extensive renovation plans, including widened seats, luxury boxes, and increased concessions and bathrooms in the works for 2010.	Stamford Bridge. Originally developed to hold 100,000 spectators, but ultimately reduced to it's current 42,000 capacity. Gathering place of generations of diehard Chelsea fans each Sunday. Passable seat width and bathroom facilities, as well as luxury boxes. Although you have to pay for your own drinks.	Wolverines
Fight Song	"The Victors." Written in 1898, it overwhelms you in just a few bars, sending the troops off to battle. Establishes both university ("leaders and best") and regional ("the champions of the west") supremacy. Stamped "Best Fight Song" by Sports Illustrated.	"Blue is the Colour." Released in the 1970's, it actually reached #5 on the pop charts. Catchy and triumphant, although a bit long. Complimented by a number of chants, including "We Are the Chelsea", which asserts "We are the Chelsea, so fuck all the rest!"	Wolverines
Recent Results	2005 saw the Wolverines end the season with their worst record since the early 80's, falling to 7-5 after a typical late game collapse against Nebraska in some 3rd tier bowl game. Selective amnesia prevents me from discussing any further.	2005 saw Chelsea capture their 2nd straight Premiership title with a 29-5-4 record - the best points total in English top-flight history.	Chelsea
Ownership	Currently owned by Ohio State and Notre Dame.	Currently owned by Russian gazillionaire Roman Abramovich. Boast the league's highest payroll at $200M, meaning even the ugly ones get way more chicks than you do.	Chelsea
Intangibles	Those wing tipped helmets, that stadium entrance, those last second wins...	Those Samsung jerseys (Nope. No team name), that pesky offsides rule, those long stretches without goals...	Wolverines

And there you have it. The Michigan Wolverines edge Chelsea 4-3. Could this success on the pitch provide a glimmer of hope for our upcoming gridiron campaign? Or are we destined for an annual 7-5 existence? In 9 days we may have a pretty good idea.