So Julia's Last Name is Going to be Gulia?

Did you hear that? Listen really closely. Yeah, that. Uh huh. You've just witnessed a universal sigh of relief as we reach the end of yet another summer wedding season.

Before I continue, I should clarify a few things at the risk of seeming completely misanthropic. (Because you haven't all already seen that side of me, have you?) As I've mentioned, I made a trip back to the states recently. My visit was motivated largely by not one, but two civil unions. At each, I'll admit to experiencing a somewhat foreign emotion best described as genuine happiness for my newlywed friends. In fact, at the first wedding, I may have even gotten something in my eye resulting in a marginal amount of moistness. (Don't worry, I proceeded straight to the men's room to do a few lines give myself a firm mirror pep talk). Despite these emotions, I'm still somewhat apprehensive about weddings. I just find them weird. Anyone?

The first wedding took me back to my hometown in Michigan, which is, I believe, indicated on most maps by its more appropriate pseudonym: "Bizarro World". What is it with Michigan and country music, anyway? But I digress. Said wedding was at a beautiful golf course and the couple went to extra lengths to personalize the ceremony. (Think individually written vows, slideshows, and the groom's writing/singing of a love song for the bride. Shiiiiiiit.) The couple went as far as to invite yours truly to conduct a reading to lead things off. Although I was still emanating alcohol from my pores due to the prior day's NYC Michigan tailgate festivities, I was reasonably awesome if I do say so myself. Then again, my dad did liken me to a newscaster (I may have told the crowd to "stay classy", but wasn't that in Maya Angelou's poem?) so I'm not quitting my day job. Anyway, yeah, the wedding was nice. But trying to make small talk with people I haven't seen in, oh, up to 8 years? Painful, to say the least. I called people by the wrong names, asked parents (who look wholly the same after 8 years, by the way) about their children - by the wrong names, and generally got my awkward on. I was given ample opportunity to talk about how successful I've become too (you know - hungover, in debt, single, and generally a mess), which made me ready to get out of there just as the bride began rolling around on the dancefloor. Bummer. I barely got a taste of the open bar.

At my second wedding I was intent to right the wrongs from the first, so I took a tried and true approach and skipped the wedding altogether in favor of the reception. If anyone asks, I'm pretty sure I said I was toward the back of the church during the wedding, so play along. This wedding was quite different from the first - a Chinese American couple looking to celebrate with a reception recognizing both cultures. It included an 8 course meal of Chinese delicacies (interesting, albeit somewhat challenging to eat), some traditional costume changes (who knew?), and what quickly became the highlight of the evening - the best wedding DJ ever. Given the crowd, I'm convinced he came from the now defunct best sort-of-Asian bar ever, 46 Grand (R.I.P.). Dude played originals of well known hip-hop samples during dinner, and heated things up after dinner with just about every song you learned most of the words to in the last 8-10 years. Since I didn't get my money's worth from the tap at wedding #1, one could say I hit the open bar at wedding #2 a bit hard. By the end of the night everyone else had done the same, and I resurrected my relationship with Positive K's I Got A Man during a passionate duet with a co-worker. Great professional decision, I know. Can't wait to talk about how successful I've become next year!

I've already been invited to another wedding in the winter, but am just not sure I'm ready to face these demons again. Instead, I'm thinking about taking on the approach voiced over dinner by a friend at wedding #1. When speaking of the aforementioned winter wedding, she noted dryly, "I think I have a policy against going to weddings that are so clearly going to end in divorce". Right on, man.